Most of us receive feedback of some sorts; from bosses and colleagues, in training, from friends and relatives, from neighbours – in short; from a range of different people. Some feedback feels really good, e. g compliments about work well done. It may feel embarrassing there and then, depending on how you perceive compliments and your cultural upbringing. But even if you feel embarrassed, at one point it will feel good. Then there is feedback about changes you should make, some can feel fair and you think that this is very good advice. And then, the ones that make you feel bad.. You may feel shocked, angry, hurt, unfairly treated, stepped over, misunderstood, etc etc. And you have a choice, should you consider this feedback even if it is painful and it feels wrong, or should you throw it away?
“All feedback is a gift, take it or leave it” is a phrase I have heard often, and I use it myself. But.. still.. saying it this way it leaves all the responsibility on the receiver. Doesn’t the giver have some responsibility too? I would say yes. Because we tend to judge according to our preferences, our cultural values, our style, our tastes, our standards – in fact we judge from our own lens of the world.
Example One: Someone with extravert behaviours and preferences thinks her team members are introverts – and she tells them so (wanting the outcome that they change). The team conducts a team evaluation and one of the results shows that the woman mentioned comes out at the extreme end of being extravert. Her team members are also extraverts, but not as much as her. She gave them feedback seen from her extreme end, not being able to see the nuances and scales of being extravert.
Example Two: A supervisor gives feedback to an employee that he is too blunt/too direct and that he needs to change the way he communicates with people. The supervisor comes from a culture where indirect communication is valued and the employee comes from a culture where direct communication is valued. The employee works in a direct culture, therefore in this case the supervisor judges out of own values rather than seeing the environment the employee operates in.
In both cases above the feedback giver failed to review and get a holistic view of the situation before making judgment. So how can we make sure we give inclusive feedback? I think the main thing is to look at a situation from different perspectives, and to take a birds-eye view. Creating a dialogue is important, a space where the receiver feels listened to and seen, that s/he feels you have the best intentions and that you are both OPEN to different perspectives. I believe that is when change can and will happen, and that it creates a win-win situation.
Next time you give or receive feedback, just out of curiosity… , think about the lenses that you have put on, or the perspective you are coming from. And if you are at the receiving end, you do have a choice whether you take it on board or not.
